#RESOLVElutions: April is for Affection 💋

One of the many resolutions we make each year (for the bae-less among us) is to find love, a partner or some kind of affection. I'm not just making this up lol I actually did a bit of research... and ain't nuthin' wrong with a little lovin'...

We all want affection at some point in our lives. It may not be at the top of our lists all the time, it may not be something we consciously think about all the time; but we all want that special connection. Now this may not be a sexual or even a romantic relationship/connection. However, we can all relate to that need to have someone that we can just talk to, or sit in silence with, or laugh with. 

However, society sometimes puts pressure on us to:

 1. find a bae 

 2. court a bae

 3. keep a bae

 4. tell everybody about bae

 5. have only one bae

In addition to this they also attempt to dictate what your relationship with bae should look like, who you should be in this relationship (bae-ship) with and how much of your relationship you need to share for it to be valid. So it's basically, you, bae and then all the rest of us. 

Also, I should have said this earlier but I'm using the term BAE (before anyone else) to refer to any significant other, it saves me the trouble of having to say girlfriend or boyfriend and also saves me from excluding any relationships by using any of the aforementioned words. 

Now that that's out of the way ... Society tries to force us into boxes and tell us how we should treat relationships, platonic and otherwise. We're living in a time where Donald Trump is leader of the "free world"... so that clearly goes to show that we can't trust those around us to dictate our lives. I have always been an advocate of "DO YOU" - you know what is good for you, you know what you want, you know what you like so that's what you should do (unless it infringes on someone else's human rights). 

I have been in a relationship for quite some time, and if I had listened to some of the people around me I would've called it off within the first two weeks of dating. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to people's opinion. Allow them to speak, hear them out and then analyze what they've said, assess the situation and make a choice from there. Don't allow anyone to dictate to you what your relationships should look like. Now people may think : what if someone is being abused ... dictating to them that this is not an ideal situation is not helping them. Allow them to come to the decision that this is not a healthy situation on their own - by asking certain questions and then after they've responded ask them how that makes them feel and what would be their ideal situation.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand... I have had people grope, touch inappropriately, grab, and generally sexually harass my friends who may identify as/ seem to appear as gay - because "how can you look so good and be gay". People feel entitled to dictate how others should live their lives. I know people who are not interested in having sexual partners or dating for several reasons (they may be asexual, they may have been taking a hiatus, they may have just taken a break from relationships to focus on achieving goals) and people are asking "what is wrong with you"; "how can you not like men/women"; "what do you mean by you're not interested in sex".

We've been wired to believe certain things too, if we aren't in a stable relationship by 30 then we've failed at life. If we haven't had a child and perhaps haven't crossed over into marriage by at least 35, then something must be wrong with us. "Sumthing muss wrong wid yuh if nuh man nuh breed yuh yet"..."A bere blank yuh a buss "...."Yuh fi have a yute by now".  I have a colleague who had to leave her community because of her neighbours harassing her about the fact that she was 25 and hadn't conceived a child yet. I also know of people who have been "forced" by family, social pressure, or other push factors to remain in a relationship they really wanted to get out of. Both parties are unhappy and depressed, but feel obligated to stay together.

I encourage all who are reading this and seeking to tick this resolution off their list to listen to your heart, not the whispering of those around you. Affection should look like what you want it to look like. Those lists in the Cosmopolitan; all those articles about relationships and those #relationshipGOALS are not helpful. If you stick to and believe all you read in these things you will never open your heart and mind to new experiences, or to any experiences for that matter. 

Another thing we may need to let go of are the expectations we have, that list we have mentally written over the years of all the qualities a suitable bae needs to possess. 

Let go ... and let love 😍