What comes after change?

Change is difficult ,,,and painful...and risky,,,

But it’s time to try something new.

In a previous blog post this year, I outlined a few of the reasons that I am afraid of change - most of this is a result of my fear of failure, disappointment and rejection.

However, I have decided that before I turn 30 I will jump and hope that the net appears, I have been working up to this moment all year and it has not made it any easier.

That shivering that you cannot control, that panic, that ball in your throat, the trepidation you feel when you’re about to jump into the deep end for the first time. At the back of your mind you know that you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t think you could make it; at the back of your mind you know you will be okay; at the back of your mind you know that you are capable; at the back of your mind, you think you have made the right decision.

In a split second you have already calculated all the possible ways you will fail; what if. What if I don’t remember to breathe; what if something goes wrong; what if …

I used this analogy because I cannot swim. Well, I know HOW to swim, but I have an issue with breathing; so if every pool was 25 meters long I would be an Olympian really. However, seeing that they’re not… I am a horrible swimmer because, I can’t breathe well and my treading is less than perfect, and I stick to the wall and hold on when I’m out of breath. So I can’t swim… but I have two swimming stories to drive home my point about embracing change, and what comes after.

At about 8/9 years old I was invited to a pool party. My aunt made me the perfect swimsuit and I was very excited about it, This would’ve been my first pool party. I had also been in Miami for the entire summer with my aunt and her complex had a pool (which I lived in). So armed with this confidence, I was very ready for that pool party.

Now, memories are a funny thing. When you look back at different stages of life you see different things. For the first time, I am looking back at this memory realizing that I could have died that day...in the hills... at my first pool party,

For most of the party I was in the shallow end with my “friends” (some classmates I was loosely connected to and the birthday girl’s cousins). One person made a comment about going in the deep end and I decided against it. Eventually we were all asked to prepare for the cake-cutting. While everyone made their way from the pool to the patio, I stayed behind. I decided I wanted to prove to myself that I could manage the deep end. After all, we had been going to Mayfair Pool for years and I spent 2 months in the pool while in Miami.

With no one around. I jumped in.

I was modest though, jumping in at the halfway mark and not completely in the deepest part, at the other end of the pool. I found myself in difficulty very quickly. I was unable to resurface, For some reason I couldn’t get to the top, neither could I feel or get a hold of the wall. This was not the pool at Country Club Towers that I spent 2 months courting. I was in difficulty.

I could not make a sound. I was trying to cry for help, but a mixture of shame - because I attempted it and was unable to conquer it - and water filling my mouth muffled my screams. I continued to kick and attempt to grab on to something. I was not giving up.

In the blink of an eye, I saw something red flashing above me. I made a lunge, and tried to grab the red thing. I felt some kind of fabric between my fingers and I held on for dear life … literally.  I didn’t open my eyes until I could breathe safely. It was only then that I realized I had held on to the trunks of the birthday girl`s eldest cousin. He was oblivious to the fact that he had saved my life. He was upset that I had almost pulled the swim shorts off his body. My eyes never met his, but I whispered that I was sorry then ran to the patio.

I was embarrassed. When I jumped into the pool at Country Club Towers that summer, I conquered it and this time I failed.

If it had not been for her cousin wanting to take a swim “without all the likkle pickney dem in the pool”, things would have been a bit different. Silence followed for the rest of the evening. The kind of deafening silence that follows a near-death experience.

The whole thing probably lasted 45 - 60 seconds, but it felt like forever.

The other incident wouldn’t occur until 4/5 years later.

Physical education class in high school. It was my group’s turn to do swimming (the class would be split into halves each month so students could do swimming and regular PE). Everyone preferred swimming to netball, volleyball, softball, and even javelin throwing.

I was a bit nervous this time though because they had recently created a Swimming Test and for the past few weeks we had been working through the levels … and today was the day that I had to enter the deep end. I knew my strokes had improved and I could tread for at least a minute...but breathing was still a problem and I was not at all confident that I could complete the length of the pool without taking a breath.

I eased myself in.

Tread water for the required minute.

Then was instructed to exhibit the proper “push off” technique and swim to the shallow end.

I took a breath and prayed my legs would launch me far enough for me to be able to make it in one breath.

When I actually came up for breath, I was already in the shallow end. I made it.

I passed that level of the Swimming Test, and the following level (we were only able to go so far). But I passed a much more important test.

I conquered.

These stories have completely different endings and beginnings. In the first, I was very confident but jumped blindly, not thinking of any consequences. The second story, I was nervous - I was able to assess my skill set but worried about making it to the end.

What I want us all to take away from these experiences is the following:

1. It is good to be confident, but we cannot jump into situations blindly. You still have to do research. Assess the task to be completed against your skill set and competencies. Are there things you need to improve on, before tackling this task?
2. No matter how much we want to embrace change on our own, we will need people to pull us up when we’re down; to encourage us on the journey; to teach us patience as we wait. We will need people. Find the right people.
3. At any age change is a difficult process. However, as we age and our thoughts harden into 3-day old concrete we need to be able to chip away at those parts of ourselves that need to change.
4. Learn from your failures. Don’t be silent about them, and ashamed of them; use them as a stepping stone to achieving the change you desire.
5. There will always be setbacks. The time will never feel right. The situation will never be perfect. Despite predictions, you really have no idea what will happen… but make peace with that. It has to be okay for you to have a level of uncertainty. While you should mentally prepare yourself for how you will manage your failure or success, you also need to ensure that you are able to embrace and acknowledge the work you put into making the change. The effort you made to step out of your comfort zone.

Step with me into change … and whatever comes after.